


Go (Please Stay)

by quinship



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Arguing, F/F, Referenced Hate Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:31:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinship/pseuds/quinship
Summary: In the days leading up to Glasgow, the tension built as they tried to tear each other down in order to numb themselves from their own pain.





	Go (Please Stay)

Tense couldn’t even begin to describe the conditions between them. Unfortunately, there was no word for only talking to each other when they had to, covering up bruises with sleeves, and putting up the façade that either of them wanted to slog through Europe together in a tour bus with all of their bandmates; being forced to stay in a hotel room with each other because their budget wouldn’t allow for them to have space away from each other and because nobody truly saw them as individual people anyway. It was like forcing the north poles of two different magnets together, but more pressure was being applied to try to get them to stick because everyone ignorantly believed that they went together and eventually disaster would strike once they finally were able to repel each other as they tore through everything they’d worked so hard to build in their lives because their relationship had already been destroyed.

Each night as they performed, they pushed past their own personal heartbreaks in order to try to get people to decide that their band was worth listening to so that maybe, just maybe, they could actually get somewhere in their career. Surrounded by everyone else, they had to pretend like everything was alright, lest they be asked if they were ok in That Special Voice. And together, they’d mock the other’s pain, so there was almost nowhere for either of them to let it out unless an argument was sparked.

This was one of those nights where they’d take their feelings out on each other; Sara could feel it in the air that she and her twin both breathed in, there in that elevator. There were others too, but they could do nothing to stop this. She could feel the clouds brewing inside of herself; Tegan just had to even move wrong for her to spit lightning. The electricity had been built up by her ended relationship… One of the reasons why stared her back in the mirror every single day of her life, and the other she shared her life with. She hated herself but loved Emy, and while Sara couldn’t simply destroy herself, she could try to break Tegan. What was the difference, anyway? By anyone else’s standards, they were the same person. Maybe Sara would be able to finally feel something when she put the cracks into her twin.

“Why do you get the bed by the window?” Tegan asked stiffly as she shut the door behind herself. She felt like a volcano ready to spit hot lava and burn her surroundings until they cooled to stone with her feelings.

“Because I figured you’d be mature enough to not throw a fit about it. You can still see out of the window from over there.” Sara replied, knowing very well that she was baiting Tegan.

“Yeah, but I have to see you if I want to look out the window; do you see my problem?” Tegan grumbled.

“Guess I overestimated your maturity. Go cry to Mum about it so she’ll give you your way.” Sara deliberately sat down on the perfectly-made bed and arranged the pillows to her liking before pulling out a book and sprawling out to read. She wasn’t actually planning on reading; she was just showing Tegan up. Hah, like Sara could actually read with Tegan being such a brat around her. And with the big ugly storm brewing inside of Sara… Reading wasn’t an option tonight.

“Fuck off.” Tegan would have gone to take a shower had she not already showered at the venue, but she disappeared into the bathroom anyway to use the toilet, even though she didn’t necessarily need to. The bathroom was one of the few places where Tegan could be alone, and even though she was plagued with a reflection that looked like Sara’s, the moments of peace were worth it. She could cry in the shower and feel miserable while peeing. It was just nice to not have to act pleasant or like she was succeeding in holding herself together.

Sara was lucky that she was allowed to be the stoic half of them. Meanwhile, Tegan was the emotional one who always cried, who needed to live near their mum and talk to her almost every day. She was also the one who fell in love with a straight girl and stupidly held onto hope that maybe, just maybe, Lindsey would finally give her a chance. God, Tegan felt stupid. Sara had been willing to keep up their relationship even though she and Emy were serious, and then Tegan had pushed Sara away in favor of Lindsey, who kept stringing her along, which Sara had warned her of so many times that Tegan was just waiting for ‘I told you so’. She didn’t think Sara was that cruel, or at least she hoped not, but she wasn’t sure if she even really knew Sara anymore.

Their relationship had always been rocky, once things became complicated. When it was good, it was amazing; when it was bad, it could even get violent. When it was less intense, it was more likely to be nice. When they were three thousand miles apart, their calls would get flirty and they’d want each other, but when they were finally together, after the initial joy at finally being able to touch each other, they’d remember all of the shit that lay between them and that which they held inside of themselves. But that was before the romantic aspect of their relationship had been destroyed.

When Tegan had decided to try to end what she and Sara had together in order to dedicate herself to Lindsey, she had realized that she simply couldn’t not have Sara. Love wasn’t the right word to describe their relationship. Need was far more accurate. Two extremes that would never be enough on their own, endlessly trying to neutralize the other though the eventual outcome always seemed to instead place them at odds.

The mirror reminded Tegan that she was stuck with Sara forever. Even if they didn’t speak, Tegan would always share her genes. But Tegan wasn’t sure how she could ever survive without contact with Sara. Sure, they didn’t sweet-talk each other anymore; a relic that had died with Tegan falling for Lindsey, but they still needed to touch each other. It was dangerous to do so in public, for their less violent touches had been reduced to something exclusively sexual. Even their flying fists weren’t completely set apart from sex. Sometimes they’d start out fighting and fall into having sex, or vice versa. And it was all Tegan’s fault.

She could feel Sara’s bitterness hit her as she went back into the hotel room and she almost went back into the bathroom to sulk some more, but Tegan felt a need to spite Sara. Their rivalry devoured them now that they no longer held any tenderness for each other. Previously it had been alright if neither of them could win, because they saw themselves as a team, but now there had to be a loser.

“That was a long time.” Sara’s voice feigned innocence, but Tegan could see the storm brewing behind those hazel eyes that had once lit up and smiled at her. The eyes that had once looked upon her with love now held anger for her.

“Fuck off.” Tegan lay down on her bed, curling up into a fetal position and facing the door so that she wouldn’t have to look at her twin and feel the guilt slam into her again.

“Aww, poor little TeeTee can’t take the heat.” Sara cooed in a patronizing and sarcastic baby voice. Her hands were curled into fists, her short nails somehow digging into her palms. She’d cast her book to the foot of the bed, where it slipped off, forgotten now that this was happening. “When things get difficult, you cry or run. And if you don’t get your way…” The rain from the storm had begun. “There’s a reason you got burned. You just couldn’t let the straight girl be because you’re so used to getting your way.”

“At least I didn’t destroy a relationship to get with the person I liked and then ruin my own relationship with that person after years together,” Tegan replied coolly. She heard Sara get to her feet, and knew that she’d really made Sara angry now. Emy was untouchable.

“At least Emy loved me back. Lindsey wouldn’t even give you a second glance. Also, Emy’s gay and actually expressed interest, so at least I’m not that pathetic.”

Tegan sat up and turned to look at Sara. She did her best to hold back her tears, which were inevitably coming. Sara was the only person who knew all of Tegan’s secrets and vice versa. And yet all they did was use them to wound each other and break one another further until they fell asleep crying silently and trying to put themselves back together without the other knowing.

When their eyes met, their hostility increased exponentially.

“Go fuck yourself,” Tegan grumbled.

“I think that’s something you’d prefer to do for me,” Sara smirked. She knew where this was headed, and she’d secretly wanted to take that path, but she’d never admit it. She and Tegan no longer spoke of enjoying touching each other outside of when they fucked… If one of them seemed even the littlest bit soft, she’d be the weak loser. Sara felt a sick sense of relief when Tegan ended up crying because then she knew that she wasn’t the weakest one. It always gave her a sadistic sense of superiority to know that Tegan was the one to end their relationship, but to know that such feelings were inside of her and influencing her feelings made Sara feel sick with herself for mentally indulging in her inner evil.

Self-loathing lay in both of their hearts, but they took it out on each other. Tegan’s feelings of inadequacy were let out by striking at Sara’s insecurities. Sara’s self-destructive tendencies were exercised by demolishing Tegan. Without the other to hurt, they would have ruined their own lives, rather than just their relationship. Neither of them was sure that they could fix the mess of what was between them, but in the moment; in each other’s company, it didn’t matter. Releasing the demons within felt too good.

“You’re disgusting.” Tegan practically literally spat.

“And you’re hypocritical.” Sara was reveling in having the upper hand.

Tegan was pushed over the edge and her tears spilled out of her eyes. “This is why Emy left you. Because you couldn’t keep your head out of other people’s pants. You weren’t good enough for her, so you come over and touch me.”

With that, Sara fell down to Tegan’s level, the wind knocked out of her.

“You need to shut the fuck up.” She growled. “You aren’t even worthy to say her name. You fucking wish you were half the woman she is. You tried to show me up by getting Lindsey, but oh boy that backfired. You just couldn’t and still can’t stand finally not being enough. You got so used to being the perfect one under Mum’s eyes, and now I finally loved someone more than you, so you decide that you can’t be with someone who doesn’t completely and utterly adore you.”

“I fucking hate you.” Tegan clenched her jaw, wishing that she didn’t have to cry so much.

That hurt so much more than Sara would ever dare let on. Each of the few times Tegan declared her hatred, it was like a stab in Sara’s heart. Perhaps because she had always been in control in their relationship, having Tegan love her unconditionally, and now that was no more.

Once upon a time, when Sara fucked Tegan, there would be light in her sister’s eyes as she smiled in all of the facial expressions that resulted from the throes of passion. She’d hold onto Sara during the afterglow, snuggling against her. She used to be addicted to Sara’s kisses; always coming back for more. Every spare moment, Tegan would find some sort of contact with Sara, and if they couldn’t have physical contact, Tegan would smile in a way only she could. Sara hadn’t returned affection in the same format as Tegan. The little things, such as letting Tegan touch her, returning her smiles with genuine ones, and treating her with a subtle tenderness that nobody else received… Those were how she’d reminded Tegan that she was loved, and Tegan would always come back for more. Sara had always been the one to decide when Tegan could be affectionate with her, and it had always been nice knowing that she would always let Tegan come to her on her terms; that Tegan would always be waiting.

Lindsey had severely weakened Sara’s power in that dynamic. Sara couldn’t live her life without Tegan in it somewhere. She’d always hated that, but it didn’t lessen Sara’s need. So she tried to master it, but she would never succeed. Some might call this fucked up attachment love, but Sara would never dare claim that love felt like this. Love wasn’t always pretty, but need could be monstrous. Sara liked to think that she would never treat someone she loved like this. Therefore, she didn’t love Tegan; merely needed her.

“Last time I checked, I don’t care,” Sara replied. The two of them were facing each other, and one move could end in them fighting or fucking or starting as one and ending up in the other.

“You ruin everything you touch. Maybe Mum loved me more because you’re so fucking cold and emotionless that she got tired of trying with you.” Tegan didn’t want to fight. She just didn’t have it in her tonight, but oh god, could she stand to get lost in the feeling of getting fucked. She and Sara knew each other’s bodies well enough to make sure that when they were having sex, it was good; even if they actually were hate-fucking. It was partially a matter of pride for them. Their rivalry never slept.

“You make me sick, you know that, right? You have to make people like you, and it’s fucking pathetic. At least I don’t care what others think.”

“You care what Emy thinks,” Tegan replied simply.

“I…” Sara had been about to tell Tegan that she hated her, but Sara couldn’t. She simply shoved Tegan away from herself by the shoulders.

“You what? Can’t think of a comeback?” Tegan taunted, even though she’d stumbled backward and sat down on her bed.

“I want you to shut the fuck up.”

“Make me.”

That did it. Sara was on top of Tegan, and they were making out ferociously. They only pulled away enough to reach away to turn off the lights and bathe them in the sweet relief of darkness so that they wouldn’t have to face what they were doing. This same type of thing had happened so many times in so many different ways. This argument was silenced rather quickly for them, but that was only because Tegan was tired. Usually, they both had a lot more stamina than this.

Sara took control, the way she did more often than not in sex (the physical fights were where Tegan dominated). Tegan’s head was between Sara’s now-naked legs in seconds, Sara’s hand on her head. Not that Tegan needed the guidance, but as to keep a literal handle on the situation.

After Sara had her climax, she helped Tegan undress before going down on her, and Tegan simply lay there, eyes squeezed shut. Sure, she was getting pleasure from what Sara eating her out, but that pleasure couldn’t overcome how she was feeling. No matter how many times Sara made Tegan moan or whimper, Tegan couldn’t stop thinking about what their relationship had become. Was it too broken for them to fix it, or was this the best they could hope for? Something had to change… But Tegan wasn’t sure if she could ever bring herself to quit the band. Perhaps if it was her only option, she’d then consider it. For without Sara in her life, Tegan wasn’t sure she’d be able to even breathe the same. Even with the damage they did to each other every night, the fact that Sara was even there, speaking to her… Tegan always told herself that it could be worse and that she’d rather have rotten leftovers than nothing at all.

On that unfortunate thought, Tegan came, and Sara rolled off of her, and they lay next to each other on the bed naked. Their breaths were kept shallow to hide the fact that they were crying from the other.

For both of them, to stay was the only thing they could do. They separately contemplated leaving over and over, but they knew that they would never execute. Neither twin ever considered the idea that maybe the other was thinking something similar, or maybe hated herself more than she hated the other. Each of them just stewed in her own misery and self-loathing, going through a list of everything she hated about herself, one by one, and to rub salt in her own wounds, replay the hardest moments of their lives over and over in her head.

Eventually, Tegan got cold and moved under the covers in the bed. Sara took that as her cue to leave the bed. She used the light of the city outside their window to pick out her clothing, wad it up, and toss it on top of her suitcase. Sara set the alarm before slipping into her own bed, continuing the cycle that seemed to be half routine auto pilot and half actual emotions driving them.

Tears escaped hazel eyes even when faces were buried into pillows to hide each woman’s individual pain. They were deaf to the other’s weeping, believing that the other had fallen asleep until they each cried herself into the gentler arms of slumber. Two broken halves bled separately when they could stitch themselves together if they would just notice the other prisoner screaming in the next cell. Something had to change, but it never did… until they reached Glasgow.


End file.
